Blog:  1-25-11

AM I BEING HEARD?

I have spent many hours in therapy and with clients therapizing (I know that’s not a real word) with me about what makes a good relationship. I believe it comes down to one phrase: AM I BEING HEARD?

No one can feel safe in a relationship unless he or she feels heard. From the time we cry for food or comfort in our cradle to the time we lash out at our partners for something stupid, he or she has done to make you mad, it’s all the same innate response. “Listen! Please! I’m in pain and need your help to make it better.”

I think when you get this about your self, you won’t be so angry or upset all the time with your partner or coworker or friend or parent. You can’t force someone to listen to you, but you can make sure that what you need to express, you share in a way that is palatable for your partner or friend to hear.

Change in relationship takes two people, for sure. But it starts with clarity in you. I have never known a person to be open to change when someone screams and yells about what another person has done wrong. Bad behavior in you just brings your partner back to his or her roots about being a bad person and never getting it right. You become a mirror, reflecting all the bad stuff.

What I think is helpful is to become a compassionate observer of the situation, and assume that the person your struggling in relationship with doesn’t intend to hurt you. He or she just doesn’t have the understanding he or she needs to get it right with you. And that, my friend, is up to you to communicate.

Try this in your relationships at work and at home this week. See if your authentic communication about who you are and what you need doesn’t make a difference.