More than any other comment from clients, I hear that people stop desiring their partners sexually in a passionate way. It makes one feel that they are growing apart. If you are a person who is used to that high from new sexual encounters and frequent partners, a solid, long-standing relationship may be difficult simply because you think that the amount sex is comparable to the amount of love.

Let's get something straight: Sex and desire DO NOT equal relationship. I believe that sex and desire are a result of great communication and intimacy, but they do not define relationship. In fact, if sex does define the relationship, you can be sure it will have an ending sometime in the near future.

People change, sex drives change, and sometimes people just get bored doing the same things over and over again.

There are things you can do to spice up your relationship. But let's talk about that after we talk about developing deeper relationship and intimacy.

The first thing I'd recommend to do is to have a heart to heart talk with your partner about your ambivalence or your fear about the sex dying down. Talk frankly about your fear that love may be diminishing, because you are not experiencing the same amount of physical love.

If your partner begins to get uncomfortable with the conversation, just keep owning your own comments and feelings. Don't try to suspect or decide what he or she feels. Times like these, if handled correctly can make a relationship much stronger.

I have a client who has been in a relationship for nearly a year. She is very happy with her new boyfriend, but has very much left her former life to be with him. By that, I mean that she doesn't hang out with her old friends (many of them males) because her new boyfriend thinks it wouldn't be appropriate for her to. He wants her "to act like she is in a committed relationship."  Apparently, he didn't believe the way she acted and some of her choices at the beginning of the relationship, reflected that she wanted commitment from him.

My client really had decided that she wanted to make new choices this time around. She waited for physical intimacy. She talked and dated and related until she felt like physical intimacy would enhance this relationship.  When they finally had sex, it was beautiful, she said.  Intimacy and clarity was something she didn't want to lose in this relationship. She valued it.

But... now she is missing her friends and not so driven by her sexual drive to be encapsulated by her boyfriend. I recommended a heart to heart talk about it.

One of the first things they decided to do was to take more time for themselves, but define it to each other in a way that would help encourage trust. Let's face it, if after a year, you don't trust the person you are with, you definitely should be considering a new relationship. Or, if the issue is your trust problem, seeking counsel for that problem.

The time apart and spending more time with her friends actually helped my client see she was very lucky to be in her committed loving relationship. In fact, she was surprised, but even a few days of not having closeness, made sex incredible and exciting again.

Nothing like a new perspective to add some spice to your relationship.

Talk to me about this..